How Late Did You Say That Plane Will Be?

Levey's truths to live by:

* If an airline gate agent tells you that your flight will be 30minutes late, it will be 60 minutes late.

* If the car in front of you is dawdling along at 15 miles anhour in a 40-mph zone, the driver is a cinch to be talking into acell phone.

* If the car in front of you is whooshing along at 75 miles anhour in a 40-mph zone, the driver is a cinch to be talking into acell phone.

* If a sunset is sensationally salmon, someone is sure to say,"Red sky in morning, sailor take warning," even though it won't bemorning for 12 hours.

* If you're in mixed company and someone mentions, say, Hartford,Conn., the women will all talk about what there is to see there andthe men will all talk about how long it takes to drive there.

* If someone pronounces tennis dead, he never played it in thefirst place.

* If someone is telling you about a movie, he'll always mentionits stars.

* If you want a great one-liner to inflict on your kids, try thisone, from my pal Denise Nichols. Her son, Jerome, graduates from highschool in a few days. Denise said this at the mother-son Class of2000 farewell event: "I've given you a lot of advice. Feel free touse it."

* If you want a great one-liner to inflict on your parents, trythis one, from reader Randall Ponnie, a 17-year-old from Burke.Whenever his mother asks him to hurry up and get in the car, Randallreplies: "They haven't called my row number yet."

* If your cab fare is $8 and you pay with a $10 bill, the driverwill double-clutch before reaching in his pocket. He's hoping you'lltell him to keep the change.

* If your cab fare is $8 and you pay the driver with 10 ones, hewill thank you twice--once for the small bills, once for the generoustip.

* If you tell a cabdriver a route to take and it's far fasterthan the route he was about to take, he will never thank you.

* If you don't tell a cabdriver a route to take and it would havebeen faster than the route he actually took, he will never apologize.

* If you are taking out the garbage and the plastic bag tears,the hardest-to-pick-up items (coffee grounds, noodles and RiceKrispies) will always be the ones that spill onto the sidewalk.

* When your cable TV conks out during a storm, it will alwayscome back to life just as your favorite movie is ending.

* When your walkway is covered with snow, your spouse will alwayshire the neighborhood kid who rings your doorbell, when you were justabout to do the shoveling yourself (honest you were).

* When someone calls it the Pinnagon, he's from south ofFredericksburg.

* When someone calls it Ball-uh-more, he's from there.

* When someone mentions Abilene and doesn't clarify whether he'stalking about the one in Texas or the one in Kansas, he's from theone in Texas.

* If you wear a raincoat in the morning, you're a genius, becauseit's 47 degrees and pouring. But when you come home at night, you'rea dummy, because it's 88 degrees and sunny.

* Whenever someone sees a parent with a newborn, the firstquestion will always be: "How old is he/she?" How about asking thename of the child, or whether he/she is healthy?

* Whenever someone is more than 75 and wants a favor, the firstline will be: "I'm a senior citizen."

* If you're seated next to a crossword puzzle fan on the Metroand the fan is stumped by an eight-letter biggie, you'll often knowthe answer. But do you pipe up? If you do, you must not be acrossword fan. Suffering--and allowing other crossworders to suffer--is half the fun.

* If you had bought stock in a backpack manufacturer 20 yearsago, you'd be driving twin Mercedes-Benzes today. Have you ever seenone kid stuff so much stuff into one piece of canvas?

* If you doubt that your kids are in better shape than you, justtry to lift your child's backpack some night. Get the liniment ready.This won't be pretty.

* If you fill a prescription and don't ask for the genericversion of the drug, you're throwing money away.

* When you read a magazine at a newsstand without paying for it,you are making a liar out of Bob Levey, who is fond of blissfullypredicting that magazines will endure, and even prosper, in the ageof the Internet.

* When you go on a diet and you weigh yourself every three hours,you're missing the point. Any weight you gain or lose isn't likely tomatter much in so short a time. Check yourself once a week, when allthe mini-fasts and mini-binges have had a chance to cancel themselvesout.

* When you go on a diet, be sure you go on an exercise program,too. Cutting down on calories is only half the story. You need to useup some of what you've stored, too. You don't have a chance to dothat if you keep living like a slug.